Simple Ways To Connect With Your Spouse
A “loss of connection” and “problems communicating” are common complaints I hear from couples who are looking for help with their relationship. And when conflict and disconnectedness are at its highest is when most couples reach out for help from a therapist.
I thought it’d be helpful if I put together a couple of lists to help couples who find themselves in this common situation. One is a list of ideas on how to encourage connection, and the second, a list of what I call “blocks to connection” — the things we do that discourage the connection we want.
- Do you prefer words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch or receiving gifts? What does your spouse respond to best? If you don’t know yours or your spouse’s love language, you can both take the quiz and it’s FREE! The temptation is the tendency to express our love in our own language — the way like to be shown love. But imagine if your spouse spoke Japanese and yet you insisted on speaking only English to him/her, because that is preferred language? Your expressions of love might fall on deaf ears or the feelings behind the words might get lost. When we are able to show our spouse they are loved in their own language, it breeds intimacy and connection.
Join your spouse in his/her world — Not a fan of (fill in the blank) but your spouse enjoys them? Say yes the next time they ask you. Or even better, offer up the idea! Take in a movie, concert, or sporting event that you may not care a whit about, but you know your spouse would love. Joining your spouse in an activity that isn’t necessarily your thing, is a great way to build connectivity and show your spouse you care about them. By the way, this advice is not exclusive to your spouse either. It also applies to your kids as well. Instead of inviting your kid to join you in something love, think about saying yes more often when they invite you into their world. Watch that animated movie on family movie night, shoot hoops in the driveway or play Barbies. Or, just listen intently when they want to tell you about whatever it is that has them excited. Your kids will be thrilled.
Date Boxes — I find couples that have been disconnected for an extended period of time, have trouble planning a date. Even the thought creates anxiety and the date gets stuck in the planning stages. A little structure can help to get things started again and increase the playfulness too. There are several reasonable subscription services out there for couples to create comfortable together time at home or out on the town. If you need a jump start, pick a service and budget to your liking and commit to a date a month for the next three months. Click for one to get an idea.
Your words and actions don’t align — This is a big one and I’m suggesting some self-reflection here… words and actions, not your spouse’s. He/she can do their own self-reflecting. When your words and actions don’t match, it’s as if you are beckoning them closer with one hand while simultaneously pushing them away with the other. Your spouse has to reconcile what to believe, creating doubt and compromising trust. Trust breeds intimacy and connection.
Ask for help from a professional
Even the best lists don’t replace the value a trained professional can bring to the table. If you and your spouse need help rekindling the connection, please consider giving us a call. You don’t have to be in a crisis to see a counselor and in fact, you will very likely avoid the crisis by learning some things now about yourself in couples counseling. Our counselors and coaches are trained to help couples like you prioritize their relationship and rebuild the connection that originally brought you together. Contact us here .
Originally published at https://themarriageplace.com on February 27, 2019.
